Havisham

=Havisham = Beloved sweetheart bastard. Not a day since then I haven ’t wished him dead. Prayed for it so hard I ’ve dark green pebbles for eyes, ropes on the back of my hands I could strangle with.

Spinster. I stink and remember. Whole days in bed cawing Nooooo at the wall; the dress yellowing, trembling if I open the wardrobe; the slewed mirror, full-length, her, myself, who did this

to me? Puce curses that are sounds not words. Some nights better, the lost body over me, my fluent tongue in its mouth in its ear then down till I suddenly bite awake. Love ’s

hate behind a white veil; a red balloon bursting in my face. Bang. I stabbed at a wedding-cake. Give me a male corpse for a long slow honeymoon. Don ’t think it’s only the heart that b-b-b-breaks.

** Copyright Carol Ann Duffy, 1993 **